A few days ago I answered a formspring question that asked me "When did you start to truly believe in Him and His power? (:"

I want to expand on my answer more. (This will probably also answer "How can you believe in something that you have not seen?)

Like I've said before, I grew up in a Christian family-- that is to say, my mom grandma, great aunts and all believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. In my household though, I wasn't really taught what it meant to be a Christian, until about the time I was in high school. My earliest memory of church with my family was when I was about 9 years old, and we attended a Christian Science church (which with my lack of understanding confused me to no end). I attended the children's sunday school and I remember being embarrased because 1) I did not attend church regularly, 2) I could not answer any of the questions that were related to Christian Science, 3) I didn't read the Bible, nor did I own one. We didn't stay with the Christian Science church very long, maybe just a month or two. After that I just remember church hopping. I never liked this because I didn't feel comfortable being new all the time, and having to be asked questions about my religious background that I had no clue how to answer. I didn't really know Biblical stories, or what a denomination was-- it was all just too complicated, overwhelming, and frustrating. I ended up not liking church very much.

In middle school I remember wanting to go to church with different family members when I visited my grandma. For a while I attended a sunday school that had a shuttle bus that picked me up from my grandma's house. I don't know why I was so eager to go; maybe I just wanted something to do other than staying at my grandma's house, or maybe I thought I was supposed to go to church, so I did so because I was supposed to go to church like I was supposed to go to school.

Fast-forwarding to high school years-- when my family actually started to attend a church regularly. This is also the time that we moved to the area I call home now. When we first moved, our new neighbors invited us to church with them at Oakland Baptist Church . My experience there was not impacting. I was just there. The only thing I can recall was being mesmerized by the sign language interpreter. We eventually left Oakland and became members of New Life Ministries , where I actually became more involved and attended the youth group Xtreme regularly.

I liked New Life a lot; the youth group help me gain an understanding of Christianity, but left me feeling a little left out because I didn't feel "on fire for God". So I felt like I had to fake it, something I didn't want to do because I wanted to feel the fire that everyone else was feeling, but I just wasn't. Since I couldn't figure out how to get this fire-- afterall, I was going to church regularly, reading my assigned scripture, and being a good person-- I figured that maybe it didn't exist and people were brainwashed or something, thus I inevitably gave up and once again was just there in church. A couple of years later some drama happened between some members in the church and my family followed some friends to another church in the area River of Life Pentecostal. I became the morning scripture reader, but by this point I was just going through the motions. (meanwhile I still attended Xtreme off and on). A year later more drama happened between members of the church, and we followed a family friend to Strong Tower Ministries. It was there where I decided to stop calling myself a Christian, because it was there where I saw the "on fire" people outside of church being opposite of the act they put on in church. And it was there that people judged me based on appearance (at this point I was going to a fashion phase and dressed goth).

I will never forget the lady who approached me at McDonald's after service to tell me that "Jesus loved me" because she thought I was an atheist or a satanist because I was dressed in black and metal. I responded to the lady "I know. I saw you at church this morning. You should have listened to the message: Don't judge a book by it's cover." After that moment I didn't want to be called a Christian, but just a follower of God. Based on what I saw (the drama, the hypocrites, and the "on fire" brainwashed people) being a Christian was just for the clergy and their right-hand people, and the congregation during Sunday morning service.

I enter college as a follower of God, but the problem is something was still missing. I knew the something was missing had to do with God, so I tried to figure it out by joining Cru and going to a Bible study group every week, in hopes that the Bible study would lead me to the answer. Freshman, sophomore, and junior pass, and no answer. I eventually stopped going and just tried to find the answer in the Bible on my own. This failed as I did not know where to begin in the Bible and had become accustomed to using the Bible as a supplement to the Bible study lessons. I found my way back into another Bible study group and after a month quit because they were hounding on me to read the Bible more, something I didn't know how to do without an assignment. On the plus side, that Bible study group did help me find what I was missing-- I was missing God ironically enough. I was told that I could find Him by actively seeking him and reading the Bible. Ugh! Wasn't I actively seeking Him for the past few years already? And how exactly do I find Him in a book that only makes sense with a lesson attached to it.

From then on I prayed to God to help me find Him. In a way my prayers were more thank you's because I thank Him for helping me find Him, I thanked Him for everything He's done for me that I have not realized yet, and I thanked Him for giving me patience. This lead to my prayers being answered in a snowball effect. In November 2009 I figured out how to find God, I must first except Jesus Christ as His son and believe in Him. (By the way, this was in the Bible! One would have thought I would have discovered that back in high school.)

And here come's the big question "How do I know that Jesus is really the son of God?" My boyfriend would tell me because it's written in the Bible. This lead to my "Yeah, but"s. I went back and forth with this until about April 2010. At this time I was really down in the dumps, I had just lost my little brother, I was unemployed, and I was lonely. I'm laying in bed, feeling tormented. I finally asked "God if Jesus is really your son, then do something to give me a definite yes, and I'll believe and call myself a Christian." I heard a little voice in my head, well, it was more of like a vague thought, but anyway it said to read a certain scripture then the phone would ring. It's 2 or 3 am. No one in there right mind would call at such a time. I figure, what do I got to lose. I read the scripture and sure enough the phone rang. In which case I start crying because to be honest with you, that's freaky! That night I called myself a Christian and now I'm on looking for that on fire-ness that I've seen in some people in my life about 10 years ago. I know that I'll get it eventually. I now know that you just don't seek, believe, and bam you're on fire, that you must grow into it. (or at least that's how it's working out for me)

Please don't take this and think that God is going to make Himself that obvious when you ask. In my experience He does what is necessary for you, not what you want. I believe what was necessary for me was to get a small slap in my face by Him showing me His power. Also to clarify, by no means did God literally say something in English to me as if he was whispering in my ear or on a speaker, most of the time I knew He was speaking when things seemed like a coincidence, but you have that weird feeling it's not, or it was like a vague thought. This is not to say He doesn't speak to people in a clear voice as well. To believe in Him and Jesus you just have to have faith and believe.